In the immediate aftermath of extreme trauma, the idea of “self-care” might feel impossible or even irritating. You might not have the energy for typical self-care activities.
That’s completely understandable.
In this difficult time, self-care isn’t a luxury; it’s about doing the absolute minimum to keep yourself functioning and safe when everything feels like it’s fallen apart. It’s about self-preservation.
Renowned author Audre Lorde famously said, “Caring for myself is not self-indulgence, it is self-preservation, and that is an act of political warfare.” This powerful reminder underscores the urgency of self-care, particularly following the traumatic experience of losing a loved one to homicide. Far from a luxury, self-care is a vital practice that sustains your ongoing ability to cope and heal.
Think of self-care as your lifeline, actions that will help you stay afloat.
Essentials of Self-Care: A Lifeline in Times of Crisis
Self-care involves intentional actions to nurture your physical, emotional, and mental health. When you are severely distressed, “self-care” can be as simple as drinking water, eating something easy, and taking a few moments to just sit still.
Here are some foundational self care strategies to consider:
Kindness and Grace: Recognize that experiencing trauma and grief is a normal response to abnormal events. It’s okay to feel overwhelmed, and it’s okay to need help.
Say Yes to Care: When someone offers to bring food, accept their kindness. Let them know something simple you’d enjoy—even if it’s just the basics. You deserve support. If someone asks how they can help, give them clear, simple tasks:
- “Can you sit with me?”
- “Can you make sure I drink water?”
- “Can you help me call that number?”
Professional Support: A counselor or therapist can provide invaluable support. They offer a safe space to express your feelings and begin to process your grief.
Community Connection: Engaging with support groups or community organizations can diminish feelings of isolation by connecting you with others who understand your experience.
Creative Expression: Activities like journaling, art, or music allow you to process emotions in a constructive way.
Basic Needs
- Physical Activity: Simple exercises like walking or yoga can significantly boost your mood and reduce stress.
- Nutrition and Hydration: Proper diet and hydration support both physical and emotional health.
- Rest: Ensure adequate sleep and allow yourself to rest when needed.
- Movement: When moving feels impossible, start small.
Set mini goals: roll over, stretch your feet, or sit up for a few minutes. These small actions count as progress; it is important to acknowledge them.
When everything feels hard, focus on the essentials that keep your body functioning. Small steps count:
- Breathe: When you feel overwhelmed, pause and take three slow, deep breaths. This is a physical way to help calm your body.
- Easy Personal Hygiene: When showering, brushing your hair, or brushing your teeth feels impossible, try quick alternatives:
- Use a wet washcloth or wipes to clean your face and underarms.
- Rinse your mouth with water or use mouthwash.
- Tie your hair back to keep it out of your face.
- Change your underwear and socks.
- Hydrate: Keep a water bottle nearby and take small sips. You don’t need to drink a large amount; any hydration helps.
- Make Eating Simple and Easy: Right now, preparing a full meal might feel overwhelming—and that’s completely okay. Give yourself permission to choose what feels easiest:
- Grab-and-Go snacks you don’t have to think about
- Simple, low-effort meals that take little energy
- Accept Help with Basic Tasks: Allow trusted people to assist with laundry, groceries, or paperwork. Your focus right now is simply getting through the day.
Navigating Physical Stagnation (Finding Comfort Where You Are)
Severe depression can make leaving your bed or room feel impossible. That’s okay—focus on making your space work for you.
Make Your Space Manageable: If you can’t leave your room, bring essentials to you:
Create a “Survival Station”: Keep a container with water and snacks, paper plates, plastic cutlery, a trash can, tissues, and any medications within easy reach. This reduces the energy needed for basic tasks.
Minimize Clutter: Cleaning everything can wait. For now, just remove garbage and food waste daily (ask for help if needed). Your well-being comes first.
Routine and Structure: Maintaining a daily routine can provide a sense of stability and normalcy amidst chaos.
Maintain Simple Routines: Predictable actions can provide comfort. Try waking up and going to bed around the same time, or having your coffee the same way each morning. These small habits can help you feel more grounded.
Learning: Educating yourself about grief and trauma can help you understand and manage your feelings more effectively.
Mindfulness and Meditation: These practices help you find peace in the present moment, often providing a much-needed break from the intensity of grief.
Nature: Spending time in natural surroundings can soothe the heart and remind you of the larger cycle of life and renewal.
Setting Boundaries: It’s okay to protect your energy and emotional space. Learning to say “no” to commitments or interactions that feel overwhelming is an act of self-care. Remember, setting boundaries isn’t selfish—it’s necessary for your healing journey. Be gentle with yourself as you navigate what feels right for you during this time.
Limit Emotionally Charged Scenarios: Avoid media and situations that may intensify your grief or cause you further distress.
KEY TAKEAWAY:
Self-care is often misunderstood as a luxury or an indulgence, but in reality, it is a fundamental aspect of your healing journey. Each act of self-care is a step toward recovery, honoring both your resilience and the memory of your loved one. Engage in self-care practices not just for survival but as a profound expression of self-respect and self-love.