When a child loses a loved one to homicide, their grief is layered with fear, confusion, and sudden changes to daily life. According to developmental guidance from the National Organization for Victim Advocacy (NOVA), children process trauma and loss differently depending on their age and stage of development—young children may struggle with understanding permanence, while adolescents often experience intense emotions and question safety and trust.
Try to create environments that prioritize safety, predictability, and choice.
Reducing exposure to graphic details, using clear and simple language, and allowing children to express feelings in their own way—whether through words, play, or silence can be very helpful for children experiencing this violent loss.
Collaborate with caregivers and schools to maintain routines and provide consistent emotional support. Above all, professionals and caregivers should validate the child’s experience, avoid judgment, and empower them with age-appropriate information about what to expect during investigations and court processes.
Healing is not linear. Children need patience, reassurance, and a network of support that respects their unique grieving process.
Steps You Can Take to Explain a Homicide Death to a Child
- Children are literal thinkers. Avoid vague phrases that cause confusion (they may think the person will come back or wake up).
- Find a quiet, private place without interruptions; turn off your phone.
- Use clear, simple language to begin:
- “I need to talk to you about something. I am very sorry to tell you that a sad and terrible thing has happened to _____. They were (say where they were and simply what happened there) hurt so badly by a person that he/she died.”
- Avoid euphemisms like “passed away,” “gone,” or “went to sleep.”
A Few Words You May Want to Define
- Death: When a person’s body stops working, and they cannot be alive anymore.
- Homicide: When a person ends someone else’s life on purpose.
- Grieve/Grieving: Normal thoughts, feelings, and reactions we have after someone close dies; they help us deal with what happened.
- Trauma/Traumatic: A sudden, frightening, and overwhelming thing that happens.
Protecting Our Small Co-Victims
For child co-victims, the trauma of homicide is profound. They not only lose a loved one but also often lose their sense of safety in the world.
The “Five C’s”: Children often harbor secret worries that they must work through:
- Did I Cause it?
- Can I Catch it?
- Why couldn’t I Control or Cure it?
- And who will take Care of me now?
Regression and Behavior: Children often “puddle jump” through grief, appearing fine one minute and being overwhelmed the next. Trauma may manifest as tummy aches, nightmares, or “death play” where they act out violent themes with toys to make sense of the event.
Honesty is Vital: Use simple, direct, and age-appropriate language (e.g., “His body stopped working” rather than “He went to sleep”). Children often fill in gaps of information with their own imagination, which can be more frightening than the truth.
Routine as Medicine: Establishing structured and predictable routines helps children feel secure. Consistency in when they eat, sleep, and go to school acts as an emotional anchor.